Monday, December 31, 2007


2008 is nearly here and I've managed to have only 2 year-end anxiety attacks. Kudos for me.

I'm ringing in the new year with a new look for my blog. Hopefully it's less crammed and more readable. Let me know what you think.

I'd like to wish everyone who stops by here a wonderful and prosperous new year, especially my Ridge blogger comrades Righty, Rover, and Bloggy.

And of course, a special new year's wish to my monomaniacal love, Melisa Christian.

Happy New Year everyone!

Sunday, December 30, 2007


For those of you who can't get enough polling (or need even more meaning in your lives), Righty has a polling place that'll knock your socks off. Tell him Lefty sent ya.

Saturday, December 29, 2007


The results are in and a whopping 54% are here for Melisa Christian. 27% love the Newsreel while 18% think it clutters up the site. The votes for Melisa are a tad suspect as I've heard whispers there was shameless ballot stuffing in LA. I shall resist writing anything crude about "ballot stuffing" nor will I write "insert joke here" and I will certainly resist writing "insert joke here about 'insert joke.'" I shall not sully my love for Melisa by shoving in some old limp rib.


Another day. Another murder. This one not in The Ridge. 52nd and 4th. Sunset Park. Hit and run. But Chris Blake of Bay Ridge came to the rescue. He and a few other good Samaritans chased down the driver and held him until the police arrived. Thank you, Chris, for proving we're not all murderers here in The Ridge.

Friday, December 28, 2007


Oh sure, New York's homicide rate may be on pace for a record low, but here in The Ridge we're doing all we can to prevent that record from being set. There was another murder in The Ridge on Thursday. That's right -- another murder --!! This time it involved an emotionally deranged man and a knife. What the hell is going on here? I thought this was a quiet community, but we've had a string of unsolved bank robberies, a murder a day, fascinations with sharp stabbing pains -- What the hell --!?

Thursday, December 27, 2007


For those of you who like your holidays morbid --
Pakistan's former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto is killed in a presumed suicide attack at an election rally
Peace on earth, goodwill toward men.


Ah, the holiday spirit was thriving in Bay Ridge as two men were shot late Tuesday night.
Police said the 29-year-old victim, who was shot in the head, was pronounced dead at the scene. The other victim, 30, was shot in the upper arm and was listed in stable condition at Kings County Hospital. Both men were not immediately identified.
Let's hope that holiday tradition goes away in 2008.

Monday, December 24, 2007


Santa, I know this is sort of last minute and all and you're pretty busy at this moment what with delivering all those gifts but if you have the time, what I would really really like for Christmas, the only thing I want -- besides an official Red Rider carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle -- is Melisa Christian. Santa, if that is impossible -- and I really really hope it isn't -- could I please switch places with you when you visit her house so I can come down her chimney?

Sunday, December 23, 2007


So we got our tree from the lovely nursery at 68th and 7th. At least I think it's 68th. Could be 69th. I can't remember, but it's the only nursery out there. Anyway, we schlepped it home, put it up, and trimmed ol' Tannenbaum. And what do Jews use for decorations? Dreidels and Chinese Take-Out boxes, 'natch.

Friday, December 21, 2007


The first ever Left in Bay Ridge Poll was a barn burner. Voters came out in record numbers. It was a close race but in the end Jesus TV edged out Too Cluttered 3 to 2. Love It and I Want More got equal votes but not enough to overtake the Lord and Savior's airwaves.

Jesus TV is far too big to put in the sidebar so please Dead Sea Scroll to the very bottom of the page and enjoy. Click on the knobs to change the channels. Thanks to both people who voted.


So we moved to The Ridge from Los Angeles, where the driving is legendary -- horrible traffic, people making deals on their cellphones, and a general high level of obliviousness. But driving in The Ridge is a whole new experience.

The Holy Trinity of driving here seems to be the honk, the double park, and The Ridge turn. Today I'm going to address the Honk.

The Honk is your friend. Use it. Often. Often isn't enough. Always. If you're approaching backed up traffic, even if you can't see why the traffic is stopped -- especially if you can't see why -- honk. And not some mamby pamby excuse me honk. Lay on that puppy. Long and hard. Who cares that the reason the traffic is stopped is because an elderly woman has fallen in the middle of the road and paramedics are attending to her. Honk. If traffic doesn't start moving immediately it means they haven't heard you. So honk again. This time longer. Just lay on it for as long as you can. The longer the better. When the paramedics finally have the woman on the stretcher and are putting her into the ambulance and traffic is moving again, and when you pass the ambulance, honk again. That'll teach her.

Honk as soon as the light turns green. Better yet, honk right before the light turns green. That'll show people you mean business. And especially if you're 5 or 6 cars back. You want people to know you're there.

Honk at people you know. Honk if you're picking someone up and they're not outside yet. Honk at a double parked car. Honk at a car that's slowing down. Honk at a pretty girl. Honk at an ugly girl. Honk. Just honk.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Elvis Costello @ Nokia Theater NYC - Alison

Elvis from May 16, 2007. Yeah it goes in and out of focus but the new melody on the second verse is genius!



Why oh why does W continue to say things that make him sound like the dumbest President since President Peter Griffin.
Today at a news conference Bush said--
he will reserve judgment about his administration's destruction of CIA interrogation tapes until several inquiries are finished.

That's not the dumb part. The dumb part is what he said about not knowing anything about the tapes or the destruction of them until this month--
Sounds pretty clear to me when I say I have -- the first recollection is when Mike Hayden briefed me. That's pretty clear.
Yeah, real clear. As clear as--
there's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


Once again The Rover has come through with the goods. The space next to Gino's is going to be the new home of Bay Ridge elder lawyers, Connors and Sullivan. According to The Rover, Connors and Sullivan,
are one of the foremost authorities on elder law.
So all you Orcs and Dark Elves in Tamriel, when you need elder scroll help, call Connors and Sullivan.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


Lynne Spears must be so proud of her daughters. Britney is a catastrophic train wreck and now it's reported that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn is pregnant! That's right, 16-will-get-you-20 Jamie's eggs are officially poached. Sweet mother of redneck living, what is up with that family, y'all? Seriously. The whole family is a southern train wreck. What are they thinking? Are they thinking? Is there anything inside their noggins capable of thinking?

I will forever think of the Spears family whenever I hear a Trailer Trash joke. Just a few examples:
You Know You're Trailer Trash If --

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Your junior prom had a daycare.

You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You see!? You can't think of anyone else.


People from all over the world descend upon NYC during the holidays. But more and more are descending upon The Ridge for Tony Muia's Slice of Brooklyn Christmas Lights Tour. There's a great article about it in the Daily News.

Some friends of ours took us to Dyker Heights the other week to see the lights. We were amazed. It's a thing of beauty. Really. But I also love Dollywood and The Holy Land Experience (I am so going to hell for that).


The Rover has a post today about a Bay Ridge erection. As fate would have it, I too, was thinking about erections.

There are a number of new ones all over The Ridge. I talked to a construction worker who was working on the new place next to Gino's on 5th and he said the place is going to be law offices. I hear tell the never ending construction on the place next to Chock Full 'O Nuts is going to be a pizza place. A pizza place!? Finally. Man do we need one of those. The Ridge also needs a nail salon, a 99 cent store, a bar, a cellular phone store, and a hair salon.

Who do you need to sleep with in this town to get a gourmet cheese shop?

Monday, December 17, 2007


Yugoslavian foodies in The Ridge may now rejoice. Djerdan has opened on the corner of 79th and 3rd. Djerdan also has locations in Manhattan, Queens, and Brooklyn. People really love the place. Djerdan is also popular with the NYC Health Department. Let's hope they do better in The Ridge. Bring on the bureks.


Saturday night, the night before the big storm, the storm that didn't really happen, we bundled up and walked over to the Golden Bay Seafood restaurant. The food at this place rocks! The Peking Duck is fantastic. The service is top notch. It's cheap and it really feels like stepping into a restaurant in China. It's at 6409 8th Ave.

[ Yahoo! Maps ]

Map of
6409 8th Avenue, NY, 11220


There seems to be a new restaurant or some such food place at 79th and 3rd. I'm going to run by there later to check it out.

I don't have a picture of it yet so instead I'll post a gratuitous pic of my future ex-wife, Melisa Christian.

Sunday, December 16, 2007


Ok, we're getting a Christmas tree but we're not sure of the best place. We may drive to the Garden State and chop one down ourselves at a tree farm or we may just drive to some place in Brooklyn and pay someone to shove it in our car.

Anyone have any suggestions of where to get a good tree in Brooklyn? I understand one grows here.

Saturday, December 15, 2007


The data may be slim but as of now WonderCum is more popular than Megadik. I've gotten three hits for WonderCum and one hit for Megadik. Looks like more people will be getting WonderCum in their stockings this holiday season.

The test continues.


Yes, I know Nanjing is half a world away from Bay Ridge but I wanted to mention the 70th anniversary of the Nanjing Massacre
BEIJING, Dec. 14 -- Sirens wailed and a giant bell tolled Wednesday as residents of, Nanjing, the capital of Jiangsu Province, along with people in other parts of the nation, marked the 70th anniversary of one of the darkest days in China's history: The Nanjing Massacre.

On Dec. 13, 1937, Japanese troops marched into the then national capital, Nanjing, and started a six-week orgy of killing, raping, burning and pillaging, during which at least 300,000 Chinese were slaughtered and 20,000 raped.
There's been a lot of controversy about the Massacre, from how many were killed to whether it actually happened.
TOKYO (Reuters) - Japanese must spread the word that they committed no massacre at Nanjing, a film director told a symposium on Friday, a day after China marked the 70th anniversary of the incident in which it says 300,000 died.
There are tragedies everyday. There are tragedies of war. But the worst kind of tragedy is the tragedy that is forgotten.

Friday, December 14, 2007


I've been playing around with the sidebar (not a euphemism) and would like to get people's opinions. You can post a comment or take the fancy poll in said sidebar.


I only have a second here but I want to say one thing about the Major League Baseball 'roid Report: If Kevin Brown did indeed use steroids, why did he still suck?

Thursday, December 13, 2007


Joe (possibly not his real name, possibly a Melisa Christian fan) sent me an email with a link to an article about the Starbucks and coffee wars in Brooklyn.

Now you know I love Starbucks and I love independently owned places, but I find it interesting that no one gets upset about Dunkin' Donuts. Is it because DD doesn't seem like a neighborhood bully? Or is it because DD's donuts are too fabulous to complain about? There's a relatively new one (a 24 hour one, mind you) on 4th Ave around 87th street. I haven't been there yet but my BMI needs a jolt.


"Ice" and "Storm" are two words that should never go together, unless it's The Ice Storm. Some words are never meant to go together. It's like "Britney Spears" and "procreation." The weather today in The Ridge is a nine on the old suck-o-meter.

For this I left LA?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


According to an article in New York Magazine, Tanoreen, my favorite Middle Eastern restaurant, will be moving to a space twice its current size.

Now I can supersize their amazing hummus!

Photo: Noah Kalina

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


This town isn't big enough for two jolly men, so Santa, a known Shaolin Monk, took Frosty down. After I snapped the shot, I heard Santa exclaim, "Your eyes may be coal, but your ass is grass!"


The new Starbucks on 85th and 3rd has finally opened. It's swanky. The four comfy chairs look very comfy. The couch is kind to the keister. Lovely soothing colors. And for fellow members of the laptop nation, it's a great place to work.

A high school student has just come out of the bathroom and reported that the bathrooms are magnificent. I'll check them out later. But I did come up with a million dollar idea for Starbucks: toilets that look like Starbucks coffee cups! How cool would that be? And the urinal possibilities are endless. But if you walk in and see a venti mocha in the cup, you might want to use a different toilet.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Flying Dude

It's another grey and gloomy day in The Ridge, but instead of going to Melisa Christian to cheer me up, I've decided to go to something that would make me poo my pants.

Friday, December 7, 2007


I stumbled upon this on It's a commercial for one of my shows.


Today America remembers Dec. 7, 1941 - "A day which will live in infamy"--or not. Right in Bay Ridge has a wonderful post about the day and "the cost of forgotten infamy".

For myself, this day also marks my own personal battleship being sunk -- today is my wedding anniversary. Five years ago, our families, friends, Elvis and two hot showgirls gathered in Las Vegas to celebrate the union between my wife and myself.

A sea of zebra and leopard skinned yarmulkes greeted us outside the Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel. Inside, the aforementioned Elvis and hot showgirls, performed the ceremony, which included three songs from The King.

After the tearful ceremony, we were whisked back to our penthouse suite at the Bellagio for a champagne and cake reception. Then it was off to the quintessential Vegas show, Jubilee! The cheese factor is mighty high in Jubilee. It must be seen to be believed.

After a week in Vegas we boarded a plane and spent a week in Paris.

So today, please take time to remember what happened on this date in 1941, and then pause to reflect upon how on this date my bachelorhood and the ability to make my own decisions was sunk.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007


Just in time for Melisa Christian lovers comes the perfect holiday gift -- The Melisa Christian Nutcracker.

This beautiful replica of Melisa is easy to use -- Just place your nuts in Melisa's palms, swivel her head, and she effortlessly crushes your nuts with her bare hands.

Her backside can also be used as a bottle opener.

It comes with a lifetime guarantee, so you can look forward to years and years of nut crushing fun with Melisa.


Right in Bay Ridge was the first to report that a Bay Ridge man was killed earlier today at the Gregory Hotel at 8315 4th Ave. Here's the latest from the Brooklyn Eagle -
Police are conducting a homicide investigation into the death of a Bay Ridge man found stabbed Monday afternoon in the Best Western Gregory Hotel at 8315 Fourth Ave. in Bay Ridge.
Police said 26-year-old David Diaz was stabbed in the back with blunt trauma wounds to his head.

Diaz was found around 12:20 p.m. by a maid working for the hotel. Squad cars arrived on the scene shortly thereafter. Police said they are investigating why Diaz, who lived blocks away from the hotel, on Fifth Avenue near 76th Street, had been staying in the hotel. Police had not made any arrests by press time.
My parents stayed here over Thanksgiving and it seemed like a lovely place, but then I looked at the fine print:
Hotel Amenities:
Complimentary continental breakfast
Meeting facilities available
Internet Lounge
Multilingual staff (English, Russian, Italian, French, Greek, Portuguese, Spanish)
Complimentary newspaper
Valet laundry
Secured valet parking available, $11.00 to $20.00 nightly
Conference services
Fax services
Photocopy services
High-speed Internet access
Interior corridor
Occasional Murder

Sunday, December 2, 2007


This winter will be the first time in 14 years that I'll spend an entire winter in a place where it snows and gets cold. So seeing the snow in The Ridge this morning took me back to my childhood when my mom would make me put plastic bread bags on my feet before I put on my boots.

I was happy to ditch the bags for my LL Bean insulated boots. I'm such a winter wuss.

Saturday, December 1, 2007


Now that December is here I wish I had a Melisa Christian advent calendar. But until I come up with one, I'd like to kick off the Christmas month with a little Merry Melisa Christian.