PIGEON CZAR

I may have found my new calling.

Pigeon Czar!

City Councilman Simcha Felder (whose picture on his website looks like a tintype from the 1850's. Simcha, bring your photo into this century, please) is introducing legislation to ban pigeon feeding and fine those caught sneaking scraps to the rats with wings $1000.00.

Felder said he recently lost his patience with pigeons when --

"I got out of a car and stepped into a pile of pigeon excrement or pigeon poo or pigeon droppings. ... That was it."

He then added, "I mean it was a huge pile of pigeon dookie doo or pigeon caca or pigeon butt-kabobs or pigeon poopie doobles or pigeon butt gnomes or pigeon spit winkle or pigeon butt butter or pigeon driblets or pigeon butt mud or pigeon toilet twinkies or pigeon butt drool..."


Cities around the world are dealing with the pigeon invasion. Los Angeles is trying a pigeon contraceptive (of course they are). London has banned pigeon feeding in Trafalgar Square. Back in 2003, here in NYC we tried having a hawk patrol Bryant Park but the hawk had to be fired when he swooped down and stuck his talons into a woman's Chihuahua. (Again, not a euphemism). And Oslo, Norway is experimenting with pigeon condoms, sex-ed classes and a Just-Say-No-To-Pigeon-Sex campaign, although I can't confirm that information.

Felder also wants to appoint -- and here's where it gets good -- a Pigeon Czar. What a great title! Pigeon Czar. The name oozes respect and authority. Pigeon Czar. The PC would --

coordinate the efforts of the various agencies that currently address facets of the pigeon problem.

Pigeons will tremble and kneel before the Pigeon Czar. There could be an annual Pigeon Czar Ball. A ticker tape parade where all of NYC could hail the triumphant Pigeon Czar.

Vive la Pigeon Czar!