HONK IF YOU'RE IN BAY RIDGE

So we moved to The Ridge from Los Angeles, where the driving is legendary -- horrible traffic, people making deals on their cellphones, and a general high level of obliviousness. But driving in The Ridge is a whole new experience.

The Holy Trinity of driving here seems to be the honk, the double park, and The Ridge turn. Today I'm going to address the Honk.

The Honk is your friend. Use it. Often. Often isn't enough. Always. If you're approaching backed up traffic, even if you can't see why the traffic is stopped -- especially if you can't see why -- honk. And not some mamby pamby excuse me honk. Lay on that puppy. Long and hard. Who cares that the reason the traffic is stopped is because an elderly woman has fallen in the middle of the road and paramedics are attending to her. Honk. If traffic doesn't start moving immediately it means they haven't heard you. So honk again. This time longer. Just lay on it for as long as you can. The longer the better. When the paramedics finally have the woman on the stretcher and are putting her into the ambulance and traffic is moving again, and when you pass the ambulance, honk again. That'll teach her.

Honk as soon as the light turns green. Better yet, honk right before the light turns green. That'll show people you mean business. And especially if you're 5 or 6 cars back. You want people to know you're there.

Honk at people you know. Honk if you're picking someone up and they're not outside yet. Honk at a double parked car. Honk at a car that's slowing down. Honk at a pretty girl. Honk at an ugly girl. Honk. Just honk.