Escaped Prisoner Turns Himself In Because It's Too Cold

You know it's cold when an escaped prisoner calls the police to come get him because he's too damn cold. Robert Vick, 42, escaped from a minimum security facility in Lexington, KY on Sunday, but when the temperature dropped into the low single digits on Monday, Vick walked into a motel and asked the clerk to call police.

Wind chill temperatures were 20 below zero on Monday. So I'd say three hots and a cot looked a whole lot better than the frostbite he suffered.

New Year's Resolutions

 
Another year is upon us and that means another round of resolutions are made. I read somewhere that only 8% of New Year Resolutions are successful. That's not a great statistic but it might not be the worst thing in the world. Think of the stress relief when you no longer have to succeed at a resolution. Take my resolution to write a post every day in 2014. Already broken. Boom. I now have 362 stress-free days.

There are, however, some really wonderful resolutions for the new year.  Here are some I found. Mashable has an article 7 New Year's Resolutions That Take 5 Seconds Each. I particularly like:

• Keep in Touch With Your Parents. I have one left so I plan on keeping in touch with my mom as much as possible. She now has an iPhone so it's easy to text when we can't talk.
• Learn Something New Every Day. The coldest temperature ever recorded is -135.8F. FYI: a witch's tit is warmer.
• Help Someone Achieve Their Dreams. Crowdfunding sites, like Kickstarter and Indiegogo are hot. My friend Jane Lui did a Kickstarter campaign so she could record a kick-ass version of Waterfall. She met her goal in about an hour. Awesome.

The Daily Beast has 15 Achievable New Year's Resolutions. I fancy:

• If you want to quit smoking: This year, no smoking and pooping at the same time!
• If you want to eat better food: no meals from gas stations.
• If you are someone who struggles,who messes up, who dwells on past mistakes, who tries to do right, who imagines they are a sham, and not the person they can and should be: Yes, me too, and every single other human being in the world. This year, just try to be 4 percent nicer and carry around antibacterial gel.

And here's the video my friend Jane made.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year. May 2014 bring you happiness beyond belief.

Here are some images of New Year celebrations from around the world.

New Year's Eve, London

New Year's Eve, Scotland

New Year's Eve, Moscow

New Year's Eve, Kuala Lumpur

New Year's Eve, Victoria Harbor, Hong Kong

New Year's Eve, New York

New Year's Eve, Great Wall, China

 

New Year's Eve, Taipei

Darlene Love - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

 
Today's song is not only a fantastic song but a cherished tradition on The David Letterman Show. In 1986 the incomparable Darlene Love performed Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) and has performed the song every year since then.

A ton of people have covered the song since it first debuted in 1963 on the Phil Spector produced album A Christmas Gift To You From Phil Spector. But no one sings it like Darlene Love. No one. She's the original. She's the best. In fact, in 2010, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) first on its list of The Greatest Rock and Roll Christmas Songs.

A Christmas Gift To You From Phil Spector was released on November 22, 1963, the same day John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Neither JFK nor the album faired well. But unlike JFK, the album has found new life over the years and in 2003 Rolling Stone magazine ranked it #142 in their 500 Greatest Albums of All-Time. Pretty darn good for a Christmas album.

Above is video of Darlene Love singing the song this year on Letterman.

Buy the song on iTunes here.

Get it for slightly cheaper on Amazon here.
 

Below is her singing it for the first time in 1986.

Why I'm Voting For Mitt Romney

Besides the jaw-dropping awesomeness of this video, she makes some really intelligent and compelling reasons why people should vote for Romney. Enjoy.

HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY

ROMNEY v. BIG BIRD

Mitt Romney's comment about cutting funding to PBS has unleashed a mighty anti-Romney/pro-PBS meme. Here are a few of my favorites. Big Bird is not taking this lying down.

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE FACT CHECK

Here's a pretty good link to some fact checking about tonight's first Presidential Debate.

MAN EATEN BY HOGS

You humiliate and roast a hog one too many times and eventually the hogs are going to fight back.

Terry Vance Garner, 69, never returned after he set out to feed his animals last Wednesday. A family member found garner's dentures and pieces of his body in the hog enclosure but most of his remains had been consumed. Oh those filthy swine!

No one knows yet if Garner suffered a medical emergency of if the hogs just had it out for him.

JUSTIN BIEBER PUKES

Last night Justin Beiber proved he is the greatest ventriloquist of our time by continuing to sing while puking.

"Video obtained by TMZ from the concert shows Bieber...hunching over and puking...his dancers don't miss a beat and his vocals continue."

Suck it, Edgar Bergan!


Photo courtesy: TMZ

WORLD'S LARGEST FERRIS WHEEL

Staten Island, that dump just across the Verrazano Bridge, will soon be home to the world's largest ferris wheel. It's going to be taller than the London Eye and the Singapore Flyer.

So why is world's largest ferris wheel coming to Staten Island? So that when you're at the top you can see people having fun in Manhattan.



Photo courtesy: (Office of the Mayor of New York/AP)

BUTT-CHUGGING

 Butt-Chugging!? Vodka soaked tampons!? Alcohol enemas?

What the hell is wrong with kids these days? In my day we got drunk the olde-fashioned way: sneaking into our parents' liquor cabinet and drinking the alcohol. We did not stick things up our other holes.

A student at the University of Tennessee nearly died from shoving too much boxed-wine - yes you read that correctly - boxed-wine up his poop chute. His blood alcohol content was well over .40, the point at which, you know, you can die.

Kids - stop sticking things up your south holes to get drunk. Drink your drinks like the rest of the world.

But I am a tad curious about how you play beer pong.

CHINESE PROTITS - UM - PROTESTS

You got to hand it to the Chinese. They sure know how to protest. I'll protect those islands any day.


Photo courtesy CRI

TRADER JOE'S PEANUT BUTTER RECALL

Looks like no more PB&J sandwiches for me.

Trader Joe's Valencia Creamy Salted Peanut Butter has been linked to salmonella infections that have sickened 29 people in 18 states. Four people have been hospitalized. 

More here.

Green Day Billie Joe freaks out at I Heart Music

Ok, guess what word is Billie Joe Armstrong's favorite? And you only get one f**king guess.

FUCK THIS SHIT O'CLOCK

ANTHONY GRIFFITH SILENCES CROWD

An incredibly moving moment by a very funny man.

CHASTITY BELT

I'm wondering if I should steal this guy's idea and use it to attract Allyson Felix.

GRAMMAR LESSON

SHAMELESS IPHONE APPEAL

You may be saying right now, "Wow, Mark is incredibly solipsistic and greedy, asking people to buy him an iPhone."

But let me explain.

We have wedding registries, baby shower registries, gift registries, etc., but no "Ah Hell I Just Want That But Don't Want To Get Married Or Have A Baby To Ask For It" registries.

One of my 2012 resolutions is to promote "Personal Life" registries. These are just like wedding and baby shower registries, but without the weddings or the babies.

And with ChipIn you don't even have to buy the whole thing. Throw in a dollar (or more if you like) and - boom - you've made someone happy.

Then go and create your own Personal Life Registry.