LIFE COULD BE WORSE

You could be the Pop Wreck.

OH MY GOD, Y'ALL --

The Pop Wreck has been released from the nut house. That's right, as if anyone cares, Britney Spears has left the loony bin.

She sneaked out, undetected by the paparazzi, but made sure they found her in no time. Her black Mercedes was soon swarmed by the paparazzi, which included 2 helicopters! Two helicopters!! Thank you, FOX news!

And you can all rest easy knowing she hasn't dropped her faux British accent. Seriously, what the hell is up with that?

I'm heading to LA next week. Will I see the Wreck? Ooooo, I hope so. I'm all a tingle.

POP-WRECK SECURED

Forget last night's Republican debate, forget the tragic Bay Ridge 'roid "suicide," forget the war in Iraq -- Britney Spears is back in the hospital!

The Pop-Wreck was escorted by dozens of police (and two helicopters) and taken to the UCLA Loony Ward, where she is under a 72 hour lock down.

Her psychiatrist thought she was a danger to herself -- under a state mental health statute known as 5150, an individual who is considered by a medical professional to be a danger to herself or others can be involuntarily committed to a mental institution.

The code word for her used by the police was "the package." I love that.

In the pop-wreck's defense, have you ever seen footage of her trying to get around town? It's a mob scene with all the paparazzi. Anyone would go mad.

And now I have to shower. I feel dirty from writing this post.

MY MORNING CABOODLE

What did I say!? What did I say?

The suicide of a Brooklyn pharmacy owner at the center of a multimillion-dollar steroid scandal is focusing more scrutiny on a mobbed-up movie producer, law enforcement sources said Tuesday.

The plot, she is a thickening.


RUDY RUDY RUDY


After running a crafty campaign, Rudy is dropping out of the race. Now what's next for America's Mayor? I hear he's going to open a 7-11 and change the name to 9-11.


BRITNEY HAS MENTAL ISSUES, Y'ALL



In some "welcome to the neighborhood" news, Britney Spears' manager said the pop-wreck has mental issues. Really!? Mental issues!? What a surprise!


BUT SHE'S GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY



Dubya wants to jump start the economy? Give us more of the pop-wreck. The Southern Nutjob contributes $110 million - $120 million to the economy. And she's certainly doing what she can -

she was spotted Sunday night with Mr. Lufti at the Hustler Hollywood sex shop, where the two reportedly picked up some saucy toys.

CIRCUS MAXIMUS

Folks, you can't write this stuff. Dr. Phil was summoned to help Britney "The Southern Train Wreck" Spears. Dr. Phil!? You couldn't get a regular old shink!? You had to go for the Celebrity Shrink? Anyhoo, after visiting with her for about an hour, this is what Phil had to say --

"My meeting with Britney and some of her family members this morning in her room at Cedars leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention."

Really!? It only took him an hour to figure that out!? No wonder he has his own show. I can't wait for Dr. Phil's special about Brit next week. You think he'll convince The Wreck to come on his show?

IT'S ANOTHER BABY, Y'ALL

Lynne Spears must be so proud of her daughters. Britney is a catastrophic train wreck and now it's reported that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn is pregnant! That's right, 16-will-get-you-20 Jamie's eggs are officially poached. Sweet mother of redneck living, what is up with that family, y'all? Seriously. The whole family is a southern train wreck. What are they thinking? Are they thinking? Is there anything inside their noggins capable of thinking?

I will forever think of the Spears family whenever I hear a Trailer Trash joke. Just a few examples:

You Know You're Trailer Trash If --

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Your junior prom had a daycare.

You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You see!? You can't think of anyone else.