THE LIQUIDATOR

A new clothing liquidation store will be opening on 5th Ave. between 77th and 78th streets on Feb 1.

Bay Ridge - The Place to Save

DEJA VU

The Phantom has posted about an article by Matthew Lysiak concerning illegal milk trading here in The Ridge (and the picture he has posted is priceless). When I read the article I felt like I was having deja vu. A quick google search turned up this article by Matthew, dated April 7, 2007.

Am I missing something? Aren't they basically the same article? Someone please educate me.

THIRDSIES OF TESTY TOAST

Ok, so it seems Jeff - The Angry Toast Guy - doesn't sell the angry toast wear. He's just a lover of angry toast. I love Melisa Christian. He loves toast. That's what makes it a ballgame. He also sent a link to more angry toast designs, for all you angry toast lovers.

2ND HELPING OF TESTY BREAD

I received a comment from Jeff - The Angry Toast Guy - about the Testy Bread post. Seems he sells Angry Toast wear. Who knew you could buy Angry Toast wear? It looks pretty cool so I thought I'd give him a shout out.

TESTY BREAD

I got this flyer on our car the other day. I'm going to have to try their bread. I like my bread with an attitude. And it's perfect for when I have all my goth friends over.

TAKE THAT, PARK SLOPE!!

If you've been a loyal reader of the Bay Ridge Blogs, most notably Righty and Rover, you know that there's been somewhat of a fracas about the merits of Park Slope versus Bay Ridge. The verbal donnybrook led to a throwdown -- a serving, if you will -- that Bay Ridge couldn't come up with a list of one let alone a list of one hundred. I have nothing against Park Slope. My father was born there so I have a fondness for the place. But now that I'm in Bay Ridge, I'm going to tote the company line. So I would now like to add my two cents.

First off, the Park Slope 100 includes Homeless people --

THE HOMELESS MEN OF OLD FIRST

Well if Park Slope can use Homeless people, we can use drunkards. Walk into any drinking establishment in Bay Ridge, say Skinflints, and -- boom! -- one hundred. No problem.

Secondly, the Park Slope 100 totally co-opted our tornado --

THE BROOKLYN TORNADO because on August 8th, 2007 you blew our socks off.

Um, hello, it was the Bay Ridge Tornado. It touched down right here in Bay Ridge. It's our tornado. If we know one thing here in The Ridge, it's destruction. And the tornado gave way to a wonderful game called "Tornado or Urban Blight?" Hours of fun.

What this is leading up to is the article, What a Safer City Looks Like, in the latest edition of New York Magazine. And here is where The Ridge really shines. The article maps out crime statistics for every neighborhood in the city from Jan. 1-Dec. 23, 2007. Here's the Park Slope/Bay Ridge comparison:

1. Murders - Park Slope: 1 Bay Ridge: 4.

Ha! Take that fancy Park Slope. And you all know we made a last minute effort to up that number.

2. Rapes - Park Slope: 7 Bay Ridge: 7.

Okay, so we tied.

3. Robberies - Park Slope: 165 Bay Ridge: 126.

Yeah yeah, so you're better at robberies. Lucky year.

4. Assaults - Park Slope: 83 Bay Ridge: 125.

In your face, Slopers!

5. Burglaries - Park Slope: 192 Bay Ridge: 300.

Snap! Oh man, we totally mopped you up in burglaries. 300! That's almost a burglary a day, not counting Sundays and the Feast of San Gennaro.

So take that, Park Slope. Stop dissing the Ridge until you can get your crime stats up to our level.

LITTLE FEET SHOES

A Little Feet Shoe store is coming soon. It'll be on 3rd Ave. between 85th and 86th. My guess is it will be a kid's shoe store. (My power of reasoning is stupefying!) It could be a store for women with bound feet, but that would be business suicide. It would be like opening up an Iron Mask store. Or it may be another baby-boomer store that will specialize in selling shoes worn by the band Little Feat. Only time will tell.

POLL RESULTS

The historic results are in! And what a nail-biter! For the first time ever we have a tie. 50% love the polls and feel they bring meaning to their lives and 50% thought I meant people from Poland. So to appease everyone who voted (a record turnout -- 12 -- stop the madness) I bring you Jane Krakowski. Jane is of Polish descent and brings meaning to my life. Take away the "ski" and you have Krakow, the City Beautiful. Krakow is also the cultural capital of Poland, which means it has a library. And back in my former life, I did an episode of Ally McBeal with Jane.

And for all of you who are Poll-litically incorrect, I bring you a few old favorites:

Q. How do you sink a Polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Enjoy the free buffet. Don't forget to tip your waiter, but run like hell when he gets back up.

CIRCUS MAXIMUS

Folks, you can't write this stuff. Dr. Phil was summoned to help Britney "The Southern Train Wreck" Spears. Dr. Phil!? You couldn't get a regular old shink!? You had to go for the Celebrity Shrink? Anyhoo, after visiting with her for about an hour, this is what Phil had to say --

"My meeting with Britney and some of her family members this morning in her room at Cedars leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention."

Really!? It only took him an hour to figure that out!? No wonder he has his own show. I can't wait for Dr. Phil's special about Brit next week. You think he'll convince The Wreck to come on his show?

MELISA CHRISTIAN COUNTDOWN CLOCK

It's been a few days since I've talked about Melisa Christian, my future bedmate from the Lone Star State. The countdown to the Olympic Trials in Boston has begun and to celebrate I have added a Melisa Christian Countdown Clock at the bottom of the page. My heart beats for Melisa like the ticking of the clock -- strong and steady.

Photo: Victah Sailer