FOOD SHORTAGE

The price of food is skyrocketing. The use of food stamps is at an all-time high. What's the best advice?

Stop buying food.

That's what we're doing here in Bay Ridge. The Daily News reported today that

the Key Food supermarket at Third Ave. and 94th St. will be replaced by a Walgreens.

That will leave us with about 3 supermarkets (if you can call the Associated a supermarket. More like an ok market with the world's narrowest aisles) and 48 drug stores.

There will be no place to buy food, but plenty of places to buy Xanax.

I SCREAM YOU SCREAM

It's a great week for ice cream junkies. Tuesday is free scoop day at Ben and Jerry's and Wednesday is $0.31 Scoop Day at Baskin Robbins!

At these prices, Basky is practically giving ice cream away!

FREE SCOOP DAY

Tuesday is free cone day at Ben & Jerry's stores. I'll be trolling the participating scoop shops.

ANOTHER GREGORY HOTEL "SUICIDE?"

Photo nabbed from the fabulous McBrooklyn

HYPOCRITES AND CONTRADICTIONS

I love these two quotes about the Green Church. The first is from January 24, 2008.

“The building (The Green Church) is falling down. It’s crumbling. The building is not safe.”

And then less than a month later, on February 14, 2008.

The Bay Ridge United Methodist Church lent its beautiful interior to the Guild for Exceptional Children on Feb. 11 for a concert fundraiser...Green Church pastor Robert Emerick even joined in with the musicians, playing tamborine.

Such a courageous fundraiser.

LOSS OF FAITH

It's a rainy day here in the Ridge and what better day to muse on the impending destruction of the Green Church.

I don't know Pastor Robert Emerick, pastor of the Methodist "Green" Church. I've never met him and know very little about him. What I do know of him is from the press. I could be angry with him but I think I'm mostly disappointed in him.

Pastor Emerick is a spiritual leader and a leader of the community, but from what I've witnessed he's been more divisive than a leader.

The battle for the Green Church has been particularly nasty. The preservationists and the congregants both must shoulder the blame. But I'm disappointed that a spiritual leader couldn't rise above it all. Emerick couldn't bring the two sides together peacefully. I'm sure he would say that he did try but the preservationists wouldn't cooperate. But being a leader isn't easy. If it was, everyone would be a leader. But I haven't seen Emerick possess any leadership qualities.

“It is none of your business, or anyone else’s” said Pastor Robert Emerick.

While technically this may be true, what we're talking about is a building that has been a part of this community for 108 years. Perhaps turning the church into a town hall or performing arts center would be for the greater good and not just the Methodists good.

“I have decided that I am not going to dignify this process with a response any longer,” Emerick said. “I am not happy with how the media has handled this, so I am not going to answer any more questions.”

Yeah, that's good leadership. Just shut down when things don't go your way.

Emerick was later quoted as referring to the remains as “only dust."

How very sensitive.

“The group is thinking of Bay Ridge in the golden age of its past. They’re appealing to emotions,” he said. “This is a small group of people who think of the old church in terms of the old little red schoolhouse.”

No, the people are thinking of it as a part of the fabric of the neighborhood.

“The building can’t be saved. The old stones can’t be restored. Saving it just won’t work,” said Rev. Emerick. “It would take millions of dollars to do the job. Even if that was successful, in a few decades we’d be raising funds again to save it.”

Actually, in the late 1990s, the church itself approached the Landmarks Preservation Committee for designation. A structural analysis was done and it was determined that the stone was the problem. Serpentine stone is porous and flaky. A firm came in and offered a few suggestions.

1. Replace the stone with a like stone. Replacing it with serpentine or a similar stone would be costly and in years we'd be right back to where we are now.

2. Replace it with some kind of tinted concrete or pre-cast stone. While this would structurally sound, the church would be ineligible for landmark designation.

When the church showed up recently on a realtor's website, listing the property for sale, this is what Emerick had to say.

"The preservationists are behind this buzz," said Pastor Emerick. "People have a tendency to see an assumption as a fact. The assumption is wrong, and so, then of course, is the so-called fact."

The ad was on Dakota Realty's website. When a reporter called, he was told the seller was Betesh, the man who purchased the property from the church. "Assumption?"

Councilman Gentile tried for a win-win situation. Not only was his offer turned down but Emerick demonstrated outside Gentile's officer, holding a sign that said

“Please Stop Hurting Bay Ridge United Methodist Church.”

It will be sad to see the Green Church destroyed. But what's sadder is the faith in Pastor Robert Emerick, a community leader, has been destroyed.

GREGORY HOTEL STRIKES AGAIN

I go away for one day and there's another death at the 'Gory Hotel??!!

According to the Brooklyn Eagle --

"Early Friday afternoon, the body of an unidentified Asian female was found at the hotel with a knife in her chest..."

A knife in her chest!? Oh man, you've got to be pretty strong to plunge a knife into someone's chest. Whoever killed her must have been --

"...and a suicide note."

Are you kidding me!? A suicide!? Yeah, nothing says "suicide" more than a knife plunged into your own chest. I jump around and howl if I get a paper cut. How is it that a woman can impale herself with a knife and not scream bloody murder?

Speaking of murder? Could it have been murder? Nope. Remember there was a suicide note. And if there's a suicide note, who can argue?

I mean, look at the John Rossi suicide. Rossi shot at himself and missed (when you're that close to yourself it's easy to miss), shot himself in the chest, and then when that didn't work, shot himself in the head. Some may say that's a tad suspicious, three shots and all, plus that little fact that he was going to be a key witness in a grand jury trial. But there was a suicide note.

Verdict: suicide.

But even if there isn't a suicide note, it's pretty obvious when a death is a suicide. Take Paul Mento, for instance. He checked into the Gory Hotel in February and placed duct tape over his mouth and nose. Obvious suicide. I mean, isn't that the most efficient way to commit suicide? And there's no way in hell a person is going to reach up and rip the tape off when he starts to choke.

This is the 3rd dead body in 6 months that has been found at the Gory hotel. And you know what that means? The Gory Hotel is officially the place to die in Bay Ridge.

Just don't plan on being buried at the Green Church.


The Rover also covers the events.

Voodoo Knife Holder pic courtesy Gizmodo.

DEVIL'S WORK

The Devil is busy at work on the corner of 4th and Ovington.

My daughter and I walked past the Green Church today to see that demolition of the Methodist Church is nigh. Workers have started removing the 211 bodies that were interred at the church in 1901.

Pastor Robert Emerick once said “We are a competent religious organization and we know how to handle human remains.”

And look at how they're handling it. They put up a garbage bag wall so no one can see how well they're handling the human remains. I climbed a ladder to see this: a back-ho and some guy looking in a hole. Very very holy. Remind me not to have them handle my remains.

On the other side of the church was a man, who I think said he was a retired head of the NY Cemetery Regulation. He was there to make sure the bodies "found a final resting spot. They deserve that." Um -- this is the 3rd time they've been moved. How many times does a dead body have to be moved before it reaches its final resting spot?

But this guy didn't just make sure everything went smoothly. He also got into a shouting match with Dorcas Kimball's mother about who said what at a CB 1o meeting. I don't know who was right but this guy didn't know how to talk to a woman. "Jerk" does not begin to describe this guy.












So here's my guess as to what is going to happen, and remember, you heard it here first:

• The congregation will tear down the church (it's their contractual responsibility).
• Betesh (the new owner) will sell the property (he already has it on the market, and his company is a management company, not a developer)
• The new owner will not build a church on the property
• Betesh and Emerick will shrug and say they have no legal ground to force the new owner to build a church
• A butt-ugly condo will be built and the new owner will hire Betesh to manage it
• Gentile will say he did all he could do, even though the church hired lobbyist James F. Capalino and Associates and lobbyist George Fontas, who happened to run Gentile's 2003 election.
• Emerick, who is not planning on building the congregation, will miraculously be offered another job at another church with a congregation in double digits.
  

So you better get a good last look at the church. The way things are going, the bulldozers will come in under dark of night to tear down the church, just like some of Bay Ridge's other beautiful buildings have been torn down.

And when it's all said and done, Bay Ridge will be the sucker.

VIRTUAL FENCE FAILS

The Daily News is reporting that

"The government is scrapping a $20 million prototype of its highly touted "virtual fence" on the Arizona-Mexico border because the system is failing to adequately alert border patrol agents to illegal crossings."

"The problem isn't with the system," Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff reported. "It's getting those damn Invisible Fence Collars on all those Mexicans."

20,000 HITS

Sometime over this past weekend (I like to think it was when Melisa Christian was getting a post-marathon rub-down) this blog got its 20,000 hit.

When I started this blog back in November, I thought maybe I would get 2 hits: one from me and one from my wife because I told her to look at the blog. I never thought I'd average 4,000 hits a month.

Thank you to all who come and read what I have to say. I truly appreciate it.

Mark

GALLUP HISTORY

George Wanker Bush has made history. He has the highest disapproval rating in Gallup Poll's 70 year history!! Wanker made history with a 69% disapproval rating.

Congratulations Wanker. History seems to be writing itself already.

ET TU, JETBLUE?

A measly few hours after I posted the new inductees into the Hall of F*ck You and asked JetBlue not to let me down, my favorite air carrier has done just that.

JetBlue said it would begin charging passengers $20 for a second check-in bag.

What is this world coming to? JetBlue has stabbed me in the back.

It really sucks for us because we travel with a car seat, which we always check through.

JetBlue, though, is trying to lighten the load of their airplanes. And one way is by

emptying lavatories on every single stop, no matter how short. They say its more cost efficient to have the crews do the dirty job than it is to fly with the added weight.

I think the airlines should take it a step forward and demand mandatory colon cleansing. Check your one, under 50 pound bag, wait an eternity to get through security, and then once settled in the terminal - colon cleanse. It will reduces the weight of the plane dramatically.

REST IN PEACE, PHANTOM DAN

I have been a life-long Bruce Springsteen fan. I was in the 6th grade when my brother bought The Wild, The Innocent, and the E Street Shuffle. I'd listen to it for hours on end. I remember when Born to Run came out and the hype of the Time and Newsweek covers. I saw him play at small clubs, I saw him play huge stadiums.

The sound, to me, was perfect. The perfect blend of instruments and voices. The sound pierced my soul and has been my home.

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band had a very long run without a tragedy. The band remained intact from the mid-70s through 2008. So it's with great sadness that I write

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band keyboardist Danny Federici passed away last Thursday at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York after a long bout with melanoma. He was 58, and is survived by his wife, Maya, his son, Jason, and his daughters, Harley and Madison.

Rest in Peace, Phantom Dan.

HALL OF F*CK YOU!

Five airlines have just entered my Hall of F*ck You!

• Continental
• Delta
• Northwest
• United
• US Airways

These five airlines will now start charging $25.00 for a second bag! The charge is to "offset" the rising price of fuel.

So my guess is people will be doing more carry-on, which will mean longer lines at security. And with all that carry-on, there will be less room on board to stow your carry-on.

But if you're in First Class, Business Class, or have reached fancy-pants status in the frequent flyer programs, you don't have to pay.

And don't think of cramming that one bag since all of the airlines now charge if your bag weighs over 50 pounds. Northwest charges a whopping $125.00.

JetBlue, please don't let me down.

MAZZA PLAZA TO AL SAFA

Mazza Plaza has been closed for awhile for renovations. But today I saw a sign on the front door that said it will open soon as Al Safa, a Middle Eastern restaurant.

I don't know if it's the same owners just shaking things up with a name change or what, but hopefully it'll be good, inexpensive food.

GOLD IN MY HEART

Melisa Christian came in 27th place today at the Women's Olympic Marathon Trials. My future squeeze ran a personal best of 2:41:18 (that's a 6:09 mile, faster than my high BMI challenged body can go).

Her 27th place finish isn't good enough to get her to Beijing this summer, but anything she does is good enough for a gold medal in my heart.

Well done, Melisa. Congratulations.

Next up, conjugal visits while I'm in the pokey on stalking charges.

PASSOVER PUMP

Here's how the conversation went tonight at our Passover meal.

Friend: "I really like the Amy Winehouse song, F*ck Me Pumps."

Stubborn Brit: "It's interesting that she wrote that song since they don't call them pumps in England."

Everyone Else: "Yes they do."

Stubborn Brit: "No they don't."

Everyone Else: "What do they call them?"

Stubborn Brit: "I don't know."

Everyone Else: "So you know they're not called pumps but you don't know what they call them?"

Stubborn Brit: "Right."

Everyone Else: "How about pumps?"

Stubborn Brit: "Nowhere outside of America are they called pumps."

Me: Uh oh, Elijah's here.

On Monday I'll call this so-called British shoe store in Sheffield, England and notify them that the shoes they are calling 'pumps' are not called pumps in England. And if they don't believe me they can take it up with the Queen Mum.

BAGEL BOY ONLINE

You can now order from Bagel Boy online at orderiton.com. No more waiting in that god-awful line. Ah, who am I kidding. I'll still stop by and stand there for hours for the best bagels around. But cool I have an option.

DAMN YOU, TAM TAM

How could I have missed this story? I was at Fairway the other day, Passover shopping list in hand, and looked everywhere for Tam Tam crackers. Nothing. Not a single Tam anywhere.

Now I find out there aren't any Tam Tam crackers ANYWHERE!

Manischewitz, the global kosher food producer, has temporarily stopped making Tam Tams because of production problems at its Newark plant.

Manischewitz had problems with a $15 million over installation at their Newark, NJ plant and the Tam Tams are taking the fall.

Passover without Tam Tams is like Christmas without -- um -- without -- let's see -- Oh, it's like Christmas without candy canes.

How very sad indeed.

MY FRIDAY CABOODLE

Warren Spector, ex-co-President of Bear Stearns, told my wife last fall this was going to happen. And so it has come to be. Wall St. Braces For Thousands Of Pink Slips





Thank god Kristy Lee Cook has finally been voted off American Idol. But in an effort to cling to her 15 minutes, Kristy announced she just got engaged to Andrew Dobner. Kristy didn't mind getting the boot the other night.

"I’ve made it past top 10 which was my goal and I’m going home to go ride my horse now," she said.

"Horse" is her nickname for Dobner.






There's an article in the Dallas Morning News about Melisa Christian, my hot lass from Dallas. The article states that Melisa

"won't stop at anything until she reaches her goal."

And I'm the same way. I won't stop until she's my sugar cream pie or until she files a restraining order.

Melisa isn't expected to make the Olympic team but I'm praying for a miracle. So don't bother me on Sunday. My eyes will be glued to Melisa.

THE BOSS BACKS BARACK

For anyone who cares, Bruce Springsteen has just endorsed Sen. Obama.

After the terrible damage done over the past eight years, a great American reclamation project needs to be undertaken. I believe that Senator Obama is the best candidate to lead that project and to lead us into the 21st Century with a renewed sense of moral purpose and of ourselves as Americans.

Over here on E Street, we're proud to support Obama for President.

Meet me in a land of hope and dreams.

CHOPPER CHOPPER

Does anybody know why there was a police chopper circling around this morning near 78th and 3rd?

UPDATE:

The Rover has once again come up with the story.

TANOREEN

A few months ago I posted about Tanoreen moving into a larger space next to Mr. Tang. Work is moving ahead and construction workers are busy doing whatever it is construction workers do.

We had a few meals last week from Tanoreen and I can't wait to see the new place.


Photo stolen from Gotham City Insider

IT'S BACK!!

Just when you thought it was safe to praise Jesus in peace, the Green Church controversy raises its serpentine head again.

As you well know, the church was purchased by Abe Betash a scant few months ago. But last week an ad was found on Craig's List, listing the church property for sale for $11.5 million.

Craig's List? An $11.5 million property for sale on Craig's List!? Why don't you just write on some construction paper and tape it to a telephone pole? I mean, who sells something for $11.5 million on Craig's List!?

Dakota Realty.

“Property ID 76-Commercial, Land, Land-Residential (land), for Sale in Bay Ridge, address: Ovington Ave. and 4th Ave. — Property Description: Huge corner property in great location! Total Buildable sq. ft. 87,742. Asking $11,500,000.”

The listing was also on the Dakota Realty website, but was quickly taken off when Dakota realized they had stepped into a tempestuous storm.

“We don’t want to get involved with this. We don’t want to be involved in selling the property. We’re getting too many questions about this. It was an open listing. The buyer is still selling it. We just removed the list off our web site.”

According to the Brooklyn Eagle

"Betesh Monday denied that he is seeking a new buyer, but plans are moving ahead for development."

So Betash says he's not selling, but a realty company, who said Betash was the seller, listed the property for sale.

And Betash is

"looking for an 'educational component' at the site."

So he plans to knock down a church and a school so he can build a church and a school.

I can't wait to see how this plays out.

BROADWAY DRAMA

And I thought Heather Mills was a money grubbing whore.

Trisha Walsh Smith is the soon to be ex-gold digger of Phil Smith, president of the Schubert Organization. She's a playwright, he owns more Broadway theatres than anyone. She's 49, he's 74. That's, um, carry the one, hold on, divide by pi, um...a 25 year difference. They've been married for about 10 years. She signed a pre-nup.

So...the divorce isn't going so well. How bad is it? So bad that Trisha made this little video and posted it on youtube. Bad move. The video is playing everywhere, which I'm sure Trisha thinks is fantastic, but it's sort of backfiring. Trisha is coming across as a nut-job. A loon. Captain of the Heather Mills Gold Diggers team.

And I love that she refers to herself as playwright/actress/good egg.

How about playwright/actress/fruitcake?

And note to self: don't marry a crazy British woman.

LESS THAN A WEEK

It's less than a week before the Women's Marathon Trials. Melisa Christian is going to have to pull the race of her lifetime out of her tremendously taut butt to overcome Deena Kastor. But I have faith in My Sweet Melisa.

For those of you who want watch my sugar shack go wire to wire, you can watch it here.

GUNFIGHT AT THE NOT OK CORRAL

"Let's drive," she said. "It'll be fun," she said.

Yesterday my wife, daughter, and I drove into Manhattan for a play date on 110th street. After a series of boneheaded moves that took us over the Manhattan Bridge and then back into Brooklyn over the Williamsburg Bridge, we finally made it over the Triboro Bridge. We were sitting at a red light, a mere block away from the play date, when a cop car pulls up and parks perpendicular right in front of us, blocking our way. The next thing I know, there are about 5 cop cars all around us. The cops get out of their cars with their weapons drawn. Um - - weapons!? I took a look in my rear view mirror, wet my pants (not in that order) and said, "they're after the guy behind us."

And sure enough, I was right. The cops started yelling for the guy to get out of his SUV, show is hands, and to get down on the ground. I'm thinking, "please oh please don't go out in a blaze of glory. Do what they say."

Fortunately he did. The cops got him down on the ground and cuffed him. They cuffed the woman who was driving the SUV.

The light turned green and I was able to go around the cop car.

Another perp pinched by our peace-keeping posse.

BUSH FILM

My friend, the UK Whinger, has a post about Fighting to the Finish, the new FOX produced documentary about President Wanker. The doc will be

"an unflinching, fair and balanced look at the nation's 43rd president."

The doc claims that Wanker has given

“some of the most eloquent and visionary speeches ever delivered by an American President.”

A pretty fair and balanced statement I'd say. And to prove it, here's a clip of some of those eloquent and visionary moments.

CHOKE THE CHICKEN

Wedding reception junkies are mourning the loss of Bob Kames, creator of the Chicken Dance. Bob died Wednesday of prostate cancer.

My heart goes out to the Kames family, but I pray Bob takes the dance with him.

MCCAIN IN THE RIDGE

Senator McSame, aka the Short Fuse, was in Bay Ridge today. He gave a short speech at Windows We Are, a window store owned by Yoda. Party big wigs Marty Golden and Mayor Bloomberg came out to the Ridge to join McSame. After his speech, The Short Fuse had a slice of pepperoni pizza at Verrazano Pizza on 4th Avenue and 91st Street.

Unfortunately I was unable to see the festivities. I spent the afternoon at a wake for a good friend's father. Ironically, my friend's father showed more life than McSame.

VIVE LA RESISTANCE!!

They may have rolled over when the Nazis came waltzing down the Champs-Elysees, but the French showed some spunk today by extinguishing the Olympic Torch.

That's right. Those crazy wine-drinking, escargot-eating layabouts rallied themselves today to protest that little China - Tibet - Lack of Human Rights issue.

And for showing such moxie, I'm going to stop calling my fries "Freedom Fries." I'm proud to once again call them French Fries.

SCUTTLE AND THE BAND

My 3 year old daughter and I watched The Little Mermaid tonight. After the movie was over she turned to me and asked, "Daddy, why did Scuttle blow the band?"

I hesitated a second and then said, "Bragging rights."

That's the right answer, isn't it?

ROCK THE CRADLE

I watched the premiere of MTV's Rock the Cradle last night. The singers were okay. Olivia Newton-John is still hot. Ryan Devlin has to go. Could he be any whiter? And for someone so white, he was an enormous black hole. He's no match for the other Ryan on FOX. Geeks of Doom has a very funny review of the show.

But the band ROCKS! The musical director is my good friend (and collaborator of my recent musical) Paul Mirkovich and he always puts together a kickin' band. You should tune in just to hear the band.

AND SO IT CONTINUES

President Wanker continues his Sherman-esque march through our country as it was announced today that 80,000 jobs were cut in March and unemployment is on the rise. It's the worst job loss figures in five years.

I, for one, can't wait until Dubya joins the ranks of the unemployed.

STRIKE WHILE IT'S COLD(WELL)

I walked past 75th and 5th today and saw that the vacant store front on the corner is no longer vacant. A new Coldwell Banker has moved in.

The real estate industry is tanking, foreclosures are at an all-time high, and the economy is in the crapper. Yep, seems like a good time to open a new real estate office. Seems pretty good, indeed.

OH THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, a whopping 81% of Americans believe the country is heading in the wrong direction.

81%!?

That's nearly EVERYONE polled!

EVERYONE!

If you're President Wanker (and I don't wish that on my worst enemies) that can't be good. But you know our lil' wanker, public opinion means nothing to him.

But come on, I mean really, how can he brush this aside.

Nearly EVERYONE thinks we're going in the wrong direction!

I suppose he could say that he finally united us.

BEN SHERLOCK BERNANKE

Today's winner of the No Shit Sherlock Award is Federal Reserve chairman, Ben S. Bernanke, who hinted today -- he actually didn't come right out and say it -- but hinted that we are possibly heading into a recession.

Ya think?

And the International Monetary Fund is about to announce that our once powerful economy

faces a painful recession that will be deeper than the downturn at the start of this decade and the most severe since the early Nineties.

The IMF went on to say that 2008 will be

the weakest year for the US economy since the recession of 1991.

So -- um -- who was President of the US at the start of this decade?

That's right -- Wanker.


And geez, let me see, who was President in 1991?


You've got to be kidding me!?


Thank you, Bush family, for 12 fantastic years!

GOOD GOLLY, DOLLY

Dolly Parton was the featured songwriter last night on American Idol. Don't get me wrong, I love Dolly Parton. I think she's a genuinely sweet woman and a terrific songwriter. But for the love of Moses, what was the deal with her face? And I'm not even talking about the multiple face lifts she's obviously had. I'm talking about her dunking her face in a vat of embalming makeup. My god, her foundation was "picket fence" white and her lipstick was "hemoglobin" red. And that was it. Just those two colors. Dolly, there are more colors on the palette. A little peach, a little plum. Something. Anything. You have a coat of many colors. Apply some of them to your face.

BAY RIDGE TO SEE MCGREEN

In a surprise move, McDonald's Corp has purchased the Bay Ridge Methodist Church and will turn the church into a retirement home for their "high profile" employees. The Green Church, as it is known locally, will be renamed McGreen Acres.

"Bay Ridge is a wonderful community," said a McDonald's spokesman. "It's the perfect community for our aging HP employees."

Both Mayor McCheese and Uncle O'Grimacey are expected to move in when construction is completed in the spring of 2009.

"Grimace would have loved it here," said Uncle O'Grimacey.

Grimace, the beloved and well-meaning simpleton, was tragically killed in 2005 by The Happy Meal Gang over a $10 gambling debt. His body had been found at the Bay Ridge Gregory Hotel.